Dear Superman…
I imagine you are very busy right now – saving the
world from mega-lo-maniac mercenaries, re-tweeting Batman's silly Pug photos, and fending off all those secret homosexual Chinese whispers at the Daily Planet. But as there
are only so many times you can banish Lex Luthor then pork Lois Lane - before it grows as stale as a party at the Thing's house, I was thinking you may be in need of some mental refreshment. Therefore I was hoping you could submit to a fan request, and find it in your heart to engage in a small collection of new activities; to keep you amused and me satisfied, and lift you up during your downtime...
1. Move the British Isles south 800 miles.
England, Scotland, Wales and both chunks of Ireland are loaded with weird and wonderful souls, and can lay claim to producing some of the finest critical and philosophical thinking in modern history. However, our weather is eternally shit, and instead of having to travel 3 hours on a plane to the Mediterranean - or 26 hours on a Megabus, how about you use those mighty Superarms to push our island downward; somewhere to the left of Portugal and Morocco. I know this may slowly destroy the timeless art born from frustrations of consistently inconsistent skies, but it would be worth this loss, in order to be able to sit in my garden at 2.00am in nothing but my underpants, while downing a San Miguel beer. On another note, moving Guernsey and other minor principalities are optional, while if at any time you feel the need to dump The Proclaimers and Jim Davidson in France, please do so.
2. Compete in at least one Summer Olympics.
Okay, I will have to accept should this happen, you will represent the USA - your adopted parents were American, after all. But how awesome would it be to see Superman single-handedly win over 100 gold medals in a host of far ranging fields. You could win the 100 meters in 0.01 seconds, clean and jerk Mars, and long-jump around the world thirty times before landing; though how this is measured, I have no idea. The games would be renamed the Superman Olympics, and eventually change the IOC laws on non-Earth born participants taking part; until a liberal rebel party claim discrimination against aliens an amoral form of universalism. The other downside is the public would hate you for ruining every future Oympic World Record chase - as the banner of WR: Superman, endlessly pops up. Still - for that solitary summer of Superman, it would be friggin awesome viewing!
3. Act in a professional porn shoot.
This could go either way, and may scar me for life, or provide some of the biggest laughs since discovering the genius of Ricky Gervais. But seeing Superman do the business with his super-penis and never-ending skill-set, is certainly an odd curiosity. My only worry is this movie - especially if directed by Ron Jeremy, proves so successful, other Superheroes such as The Thing, Incredible Hulk and Toxic Avenger decide to indulge in their own works of "art." On second thoughts you can skip this one, as it may provide Batman and Robin some refreshing ideas; while dressed in leather and surrounded by 'toys', alone in their secret cave nobody but them and a pensioner in a suit are allowed to visit.
4. Disable all technology for five days.
Okay, doing this would piss the world off royally - and confuse anyone under the age of twenty who believes Facebook was a creation of Jesus, but it would also take us back to an age before self-obsession reached scary new heights, and being alone never really meant being alone. You might have to remind us this is only temporary, otherwise within two days we will be feeding on one another, then psychologically breaking down at not having a social media to tell the world we just did. On the plus side, you could update your Twitter feed - the only one of Earth in use at the time - besides Batman and his silly Pugs, with a photo of Trollface below the words, "Just pwned the entire planet Earth, That'll show them for all those Chinese whispers, lolz!
5. Record a collaboration of David Bowie's 'Heroes' with your superhero mates.
Imagine Live Aid's "Do They Know it's Christmas?", with Bono, Bob Geldof and company replaced by Batman, Iron Man, Spiderman, the Silver Surfer, and Storm - for reasons of racial and sexual equality, and singing this classic track arm-in-arm in a large harmonious choir. This song has Christmas number one written all over it, and could even lead to your own solo album of Sinatra covers "Superman: On The Rocks.", followed by a global stadium tour; supported by The Flash and his awesome rendition of 'Fastlove', and the Proclaimers - who became huge in France - for no apparent reason.
And there you go. If you could complete even one of these tasks, I would sleep a happy camper. You can say no, but lets face it, Superman - saving the world has to get boring eventually. And it's not like you have a wife or any children...
