While no Thomas Edison, I have always felt there are certain items this world is so much poorer for living without. After much deliberation and consideration; mostly during toilet breaks of a Walking Dead marathon, here is a list of five items I which need to be invented, and the brand name for each respective product...
1. The Fatty Prodder: "The Fatty Prodder."
In the words of Charles Montgomery Burns, "There are too many fat people around these days". I'm not ragging on those who carry some extra weight; most people do, and some are quite healthy for it. I mean the hordes of morbidly obese lard arses, it is always a sorry sight to see waddle through any-given town centre on an average day; struggling to move their bloated cankles, in search of the latest Poundland sales of giant Toblerone and Sugar Puffs.
The Prodder works as so: a three-inch long rod extends to a meter, as the end opens to a makeshift human finger - containing a red button on the tip. Normal, productive people carry these around, and whenever they encounter a fatty whose arse is too large to walk around, or are stinking up the queues of a coffee shop, they prod the lardos massive back with the stick, to which the depressed button loudly pronounces - in the animated voice of Brian Blessed "Oi, fatty! You have been prodded, because you are too god-damned fat! Get your lardy arse to a gym, and stop eating so many pork pies! You fat fatty!" The fear will have them hitting those gyms... or eating more pies.
2. The Bullshit Detector: "Krapton Factor"
Any time an outright lie about somebody's personal life is publicly spoken, an electronic neck tag - placed on us from birth, screams the word "Bulllllllllllllllllllllllllllshitter!" At this point, said liar is embarrassed into silent shame, and never talks out of his rectum again.
Of course, this chip would infringe on all elements of human freedom, and our world would slowly corrode with our lost ability to lie; like it or not, some bullshit is necessary. The Houses Of Parliament would also drastically change. But at least we wouldn't have to hear morons telling is about all the women they never really shagged, heroics they never performed, and positive steps they only ever took in their own heads.
3. Chewing Gum Toothpaste: "Freshies"
A serious one here, and my girlfriends idea. Gum which actively brushes your teeth as you chew away. Useful for busy people, Violet Boregarde, and kids who love the stuff but hate toothpaste. Eventually, I would like to create Pez dispensers which do the same job. The antithises of these would be the gum which makes your breath smell of horse poo; one for the naughty joke shelf, I would imagine.
4. Automatic Wind Machine: "Pandoras Fart Box"
A small, attachable key ring box, which - when pressed, releases a deathly silent, yet extremely noxious dose of severe arse-wind; the kind which mirrors the smell of a build up of three days ingesting curries, beans, protein powders and eggs. While a stinky invention, this would be perfect as a revenge tool to noisy kids on buses, Mother-in-laws, and - for the budding Machiavellian out there, those magic moments stuck in a busy lift, when you simply cannot help yourselves. Though a warning of caution must be noted for dates, job interviews, and funerals; unless the recently deceased is a personal figure of hatred - then it is the perfect tool for the occasion.
5. Fart Refreshers: "Airarseholes"
In direct correlation to the Automatic Wind Machine, these are small packets of suck-able sweets, which - when chewed, turn your stinky bottom wind into a pleasant, fruitful odour; turning each and every potential uncontrollable blow off, into a pleasing experience we relish; eventually allowing us to publicly say with pride, "Yep, that was one of mine!" Flavours will come in Strawberry, Lemon and Lime, Salt and Vinegar Pringles, and Freshies chewing gum toothpaste - with future packets to smell of Beefburgers, Bovril, and actual refreshers sweets.
So society, you can switch off your iPhone, stabalise your wheel, and throw a truck load of ice lollies over your central heating. All I need is a fart box, a stick to poke at chubsters, and a sweet to make my wind smell like roses; I guess, I can only dream of such wonders. Damn you Edison, why can't you still be alive to create these wonders...
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1. The Fatty Prodder: "The Fatty Prodder."
 |
| "An absolute prodder candidate" |
The Prodder works as so: a three-inch long rod extends to a meter, as the end opens to a makeshift human finger - containing a red button on the tip. Normal, productive people carry these around, and whenever they encounter a fatty whose arse is too large to walk around, or are stinking up the queues of a coffee shop, they prod the lardos massive back with the stick, to which the depressed button loudly pronounces - in the animated voice of Brian Blessed "Oi, fatty! You have been prodded, because you are too god-damned fat! Get your lardy arse to a gym, and stop eating so many pork pies! You fat fatty!" The fear will have them hitting those gyms... or eating more pies.
2. The Bullshit Detector: "Krapton Factor"
Any time an outright lie about somebody's personal life is publicly spoken, an electronic neck tag - placed on us from birth, screams the word "Bulllllllllllllllllllllllllllshitter!" At this point, said liar is embarrassed into silent shame, and never talks out of his rectum again.
Of course, this chip would infringe on all elements of human freedom, and our world would slowly corrode with our lost ability to lie; like it or not, some bullshit is necessary. The Houses Of Parliament would also drastically change. But at least we wouldn't have to hear morons telling is about all the women they never really shagged, heroics they never performed, and positive steps they only ever took in their own heads.
 |
| "Chewing chewing chewing chewing" |
3. Chewing Gum Toothpaste: "Freshies"
A serious one here, and my girlfriends idea. Gum which actively brushes your teeth as you chew away. Useful for busy people, Violet Boregarde, and kids who love the stuff but hate toothpaste. Eventually, I would like to create Pez dispensers which do the same job. The antithises of these would be the gum which makes your breath smell of horse poo; one for the naughty joke shelf, I would imagine.
4. Automatic Wind Machine: "Pandoras Fart Box"
A small, attachable key ring box, which - when pressed, releases a deathly silent, yet extremely noxious dose of severe arse-wind; the kind which mirrors the smell of a build up of three days ingesting curries, beans, protein powders and eggs. While a stinky invention, this would be perfect as a revenge tool to noisy kids on buses, Mother-in-laws, and - for the budding Machiavellian out there, those magic moments stuck in a busy lift, when you simply cannot help yourselves. Though a warning of caution must be noted for dates, job interviews, and funerals; unless the recently deceased is a personal figure of hatred - then it is the perfect tool for the occasion.
5. Fart Refreshers: "Airarseholes"
 |
| "These refreshers don't clean your bum." |
So society, you can switch off your iPhone, stabalise your wheel, and throw a truck load of ice lollies over your central heating. All I need is a fart box, a stick to poke at chubsters, and a sweet to make my wind smell like roses; I guess, I can only dream of such wonders. Damn you Edison, why can't you still be alive to create these wonders...
If you enjoyed this article, CLICK HERE and Like my Official Fan Page.
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