Waiting.

I was waiting. Just... waiting. It reached a point where I was waiting so long that I, as Rupert Pupkin said with such bad timing in The King Of Comedy, that I forgot what I was I was waiting for in the first place. But nonetheless I persisted. Minutes, hours, day, months, even years had passed, and I was still considering how long it was going to take before the waiting was over, and I finally hit the moment in my life where I truly felt as if I was alive. And being able to survive in the knowledge that existence wasn't limited to bludgeoning moments of thoughts and ideas of nothing more than feelings of pain, suffering, insecurity, indecision, regret, fear, guilt, frustration, and anger. All whirling around some form of semi-coma like state of abstract reality in the mind I have lived in. For as long I had to ability to remember what remembering is anyway. Of course, there were positive and happy moments too. But the human soul is a beacon of perpetual motion, and on a day of immense cloud and darkness, the brief appearance of the sun feel more like a trick of the eye, than any direct truth. Why is it taking so long?
And then, somewhere along the convoluted mixture of it all, a new reality hit me. All the time in which it felt as if the only colours in life were black, grey and the aggressive dark red which Tiger Woods wears on every final day of a major, the sun began to shine on a new dawn, but it was an internal dawn inside of me. The myriad of painful emotions and feelings were in fact an immense part of what being alive actually is. To live is to feel. To feel nothing is to merely exist. 
And this is where the beauty arrives and the sun begins to shine. Because knowing that the bad days and the rough times are a hard, but, necessary portion of our time on this earth. Well, it kinda makes the good feelings even greater. The laughter of a baby or the smile of a polite stranger is so much more rewarding, when you know how fragile one solitary human life actually is.
And anyway, whoever told us life was neither cruel nor unfair? We sometimes expect it to be this way, but, it never really is. Even the so called exceptions of people in positions of power, wealth and fame, who are constantly promoted as being almost as above human and have no suffering. In reality, many of them probably have even more suffering to contend with. Coupled with the burden of society expecting them to have it all. 
No one has it all. No one has a perfect life. And I am no longer waiting... And have no intention of starting again.



Lee.